Unwelcome suicidal ideation

Trigger warning: suicide ideation

I’m being admitted into hospital this morning for an intensive therapy program.

Yesterday passed in a surreal blur. A lot of tears, a lot of disbelief, a lot of holding tight to try and imprint the feeling of a tiny toddler cuddles.

Mid afternoon, I had a bit of a meltdown. I’d been holding a lot in to try and make my last few days as normal as possible. I overdid things and it all came bubbling out when I got a call from the mental health team, who have been doing wellbeing checks in the lead up to my admission.

You know how sometimes when you’re really not okay, someone innocently asks ‘how are you’, and you answer them honestly? That’s what happened.

I got overwhelmed and ended the call, but then ended up then pouring it all out to Nick and my parents. The unwelcome thoughts I’ve had these past few days. The intrusive suicidal thoughts and ideas.

I’ll state the obvious: I love my life and feel I have so much to live for. The idea of dying and leaving my family terrifies me.

So these are unwelcome, intrusive and scary thoughts. Something I’m hoping to gain from this inpatient stay are some tools for dealing with unwelcome thoughts and emotions.

One thing that has really grounded me in the past are lines from my favourite poem Desiderata.

I have shared these words before – and actually got some of them tattooed on my ribs at the very start of this relapse.

Eight weeks on, my tattoo is healed, and the words now hold new meaning for me after everything I’ve experienced recently.

“You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.”

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