I wrote this post in two halves. The first was just before spending my first night alone in our new house, after catching a train alone and socialising solo - it was a big 24 hours.
Nick had to stay in Sydney for my brother‘s bucks night (and Amory stayed with him to spend some time with his grandparents). I pushed through with it because I don’t want to be the kind of person who is scared of the world.
I’m on the train on my way home from Sydney. I have to take three trains but it’s supposed to be a beautiful trip along the coast.
I’m feeling pretty ambivalent about staying alone in the house tonight. Part of me wants to embrace this - take the time alone with courage. But I am anxious about how I’ll be when it starts to get dark and I’m alone in the house.
I’m trying to focus on the positives, not how terrified I am of being alone without anyone there to call when anxiety-induced scenarios start to play out in my head. No matter how much light hearted reality TV I watch, I always end up replaying in my mind any scary movies I’ve ever see.
Part of me can’t believe that I’d do something like this. I’ve been so fragile recently, and this would be a big thing for me - staying alone - even before this all happened. I’ve spent plenty of nights without Nick, but mostly before Amory was born.
I want to stop ruining this for myself. I am safe. My home is safe. I will be free from harm in a safe, locked house. I am safe. I am safe. I am safe. Everything’s alright, everything’s fine. Relax. Be at peace. I am calm. I am safe.
That was an okay experience. I’m glad to have done it, I’m not sure I will repeat it again too soon.
We had really strong winds overnight and that can sometimes be a bit creepy in this house because they really howl along the coast. The only scary moment was at about 1pm, when the wind blew something really heavy into one of the metal fences and woke me up.
It was really nice to sleep in my own bed again and to be in familiar surroundings after a day away. I did engage in some anxiety-driven behaviour, like doing a search of the whole house when I got in to make sure all the doors and windows were locked and no-one was currently in the house.
But I also felt very happy and relaxed here at times. I real highlight was having the TV to myself and eating two dinners and a chocolate bar without feeling any guilt or embarrassment 😂
Everything feels a bit better now that there is daylight.