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Shutting down when it hurts

Today was everything that is good. Exploring the rock pools with my main man 👶🏼 Having a cup of tea with my feet in the cold water (I’m the little dot sitting along the bottom right corner of the pool 😂) My gorgeous husband Nick caught me in my element.




Since moving down to our new beachside town, I have felt more myself than I have in a long while. I think that’s partly having the beach and bush land so close. It’s also having this channel to unpack my thoughts and feelings, instead of letting them take me over.

I’ve spoken very loosely about an experience of trauma as a teenager. When it happened, I was just about to enter my last year of school and had university exams pending. A few months into that, my dad was diagnosed with cancer.

It was an externally stressful time so, rather than shutting down, this very protective, very critical part of myself began to flourish. I became a lot meaner and a lot harder - on other people but most of all on myself. I cut off a number of close friends and, in time, I whittled down several big friendship groups to my family and about three close friends.

That hard, protective shell kept me safe but it was also suffocating me.

My mum recently made the observation that opening up and diarising here has enabled me to have better conversations with my real life support network. She’s completely right. I have been able to tell them about my experience - with full vulnerability - and I feel a lot more seen and understood.

There is a lot to be grateful for today ✨💛

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