I had a break through this week. I think I was starting to believe the highlights reel I have curated on here. The reality is that there are consequences to trauma and to covering and controlling your emotions for so long.
I don’t need to be high functioning, I don’t need to write a book, I don’t need to make a table top, I don’t need to become a foster parent. These are all things I’ve progressed in the past week - along with going back to work and setting myself daily goals for healing activity.
It would be easier if I broke my leg or arm. I would just stop and listen to my body. But for some reason, I believe that through an act of will, I can control my brain and neurotransmitters.
I have been resilient but everybody has a limit. Right now, the best thing I can do for myself is to say I can’t do this.
It makes me feel pretty vulnerable.
I’ve pretended I’m bouncing back, but I’m not. I’ve been desperately seeking some kind of recognition of what I’m feeling, but I’ve been lying to myself.
The truth is I feel pretty terrible right now. It is miserable.
But it won’t be this way forever.